Before you fill anything in
A template only helps if you bring real material to it. Spend ten minutes answering these out loud before you write a word — whatever comes fastest is your best story.
- What did he do for you that he has never mentioned again?
- What habit of his will everybody recognise the second you name it?
- When were you completely wrong about him?
- What did you notice the first time you saw him with his partner?
The template
Section 1 — The hook (about 55 words)
Open inside a moment. Do not introduce yourself first. Use one of these three shapes:
Hook — fill in
About 55 words · 20 seconds
[A line he actually said, with no setup at all.] "____________________."
or
[A precise image: an age, a place, an object.] ____________________.
or
[A confession.] I have spent ____ years trying to ____________________, and I have never once managed it.
Then, and only then: I'm [YOUR NAME] — I've [ONE PHRASE ABOUT YOUR ROLE IN HIS LIFE] since [WHEN].
Section 2 — The funny story (about 150 words)
Your strongest laugh. Cut the setup harder than feels comfortable — the room does not need to know where you were working or what year it was unless that is the joke.
Funny story — fill in
About 150 words · 60 seconds
[THE INCIDENT, told in the present tense if you can.] ____________________
[THE DETAIL THAT MAKES IT FUNNY — an exact number, an exact object, an exact quote.] ____________________
[THE LINE THAT REVEALS THE TRAIT.] And that is [NAME] entirely — he will ____________________, every single time.
Section 3 — The revealing story (about 150 words)
Start it as though it is another funny one and let it land somewhere true. Small stories work better than dramatic ones here.
Revealing story — fill in
About 150 words · 60 seconds
[SET IT UP LIKE ANOTHER JOKE.] ____________________
[THE THING HE ACTUALLY DID.] ____________________
[THE FACT THAT HE NEVER MENTIONED IT.] He has never brought it up. He is going to be annoyed that I have.
Section 4 — The pivot to the couple (about 80 words)
Address the partner by name and directly. One observed moment, not a compliment. This is the section the partner's family is listening hardest for.
Pivot — fill in
About 80 words · 35 seconds
[PARTNER'S NAME] — [THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICED, OR ONE SPECIFIC THING YOU HAVE WATCHED THEM DO]. ____________________
I understood it then. And I have watched you ____________________ ever since.
Section 5 — The sincere close (about 60 words)
No jokes past this point. Say the thing you would find slightly embarrassing to say — that is reliably the right line. Deliver it about a third slower than everything before it.
Close — fill in
About 60 words · 30 seconds
[NAME], you have been ____________________ for [HOW LONG], and ____________________.
[ONE LINE ABOUT TODAY.] ____________________
Section 6 — The toast (about 25 words)
Toast — fill in
About 25 words · 15 seconds
Please raise your glasses — to [NAME] and [PARTNER'S NAME].
(Wait for the room to actually lift their glasses before you say the names. It takes about three seconds longer than you expect. Do not add a joke after this.)
After you have filled it in
- Read it out loud with a timer, standing up. Target three to five minutes.
- If you are over by a minute, delete a whole story rather than trimming both.
- Delete any reference to an ex-partner or the bachelor party. There are no exceptions to this.
- Check that section four names the partner. Best men skip it more than any other section.
- Print at 16pt on one side of paper. Not a phone.
- Read it aloud twice more, on two different days.