When the parents are divorced
The governing rule is symmetry with separation. Mention each parent warmly, in their own sentence, without any construction that puts them side by side or invites comparison. "Thank you to my mum, who taught me to say the difficult thing, and to my dad, who taught me to fix things properly" works. "Thanks to both my parents" does not, because the room hears it as a statement about their relationship.
- Never refer to the divorce, the separation, or "difficult years" — not even warmly.
- Give each parent a separate sentence with a separate, specific detail.
- If new partners are present, acknowledge them by name and briefly. Omitting them is more conspicuous than including them.
- Do not thank one parent for something the other also did.
- If you are the couple, agree in advance who thanks whose family so nobody is thanked twice or missed.
When a parent or close family member has died
Include them. Almost everyone worries that mentioning someone who has died will make the room sad, and the opposite is true: the absence is already in the room, and naming it warmly releases it.
The technique is one or two sentences, placed early rather than at the end, in the present tense of the day. Say what they would have noticed, what they always said, or what they would have done — not what they missed.
My mother would have found this whole thing far too formal, and she would have told the band to play something with a bit of life in it before the starters were cleared. She is very much here in that sense.
- Place it early. A mention at the end leaves the room heavy at exactly the wrong moment.
- Keep it to two sentences. Longer becomes a eulogy.
- Use the present tense of the day rather than the past tense of the loss.
- Check with the couple first. Some families have already arranged a moment and would prefer not to double it.
- Practise it out loud more than any other line in the speech.
Blended families and step-parents
Include step-parents by name and warmly. The most common regret people report about wedding speeches is not something they said — it is a step-parent they left out because they were not sure of the etiquette.
The framing that works is contribution rather than category. "Thank you to Karen, who has driven me to more airports than anyone should have to" says everything without requiring anyone to define the relationship.
If you are the step-parent speaking, our dedicated step-parent guidance covers the specific balance: speak to what you witnessed, be generous about the other parents, and keep it short.
Estrangement and absence
If someone is absent by choice or through estrangement, the correct move is silence. Do not explain, do not allude, do not create a gap that the room will fill in. Speak about the people who are present, generously and specifically, and let the shape of the speech be complete on its own terms.
This is the one situation where saying nothing is not avoidance — it is protecting the couple from having their family circumstances narrated to two hundred people on their wedding day.