Before you fill anything in
This template only works if you bring real, first-hand material to it. Spend ten minutes answering these out loud before you write anything — whatever comes to you fastest is almost always the right thing to say.
- What is one small, specific thing you have personally watched them do that tells you who they are?
- What did the day, or the season, look like when they first started to let you in?
- Who else helped raise this person, and how would you thank them warmly in a single line?
- What did you notice the first time you saw them with the person they are marrying?
The template
Section 1 — The honest opening (about 45 words)
Name the limit before anyone else can. Say plainly when you arrived, without any drama and without reaching back for years you were not there for. Then introduce yourself simply and warmly.
Opening — fill in
About 45 words · 20 seconds
[NAME] was [AGE / STAGE OF LIFE] when I came into the picture, so I [THE HONEST THING YOU MISSED — the early years, the school days]. ____________________
I'm [YOUR NAME], and I am [SIMPLE, GRATEFUL PHRASE ABOUT HOW YOU JOINED THE FAMILY].
Section 2 — What you actually saw (about 130 words)
This is the heart of it. Give one or two concrete things you have personally witnessed — the smaller and more specific, the better. Do not describe who they have always been; describe who you have watched them be.
What you saw — fill in
About 130 words · 55 seconds
What I can tell you about [NAME] is only the part I have actually seen, so I will stick to that.
I have watched them [ONE SPECIFIC, TRUE THING — an act of kindness, a habit, a moment]. ____________________
I have watched them [A SECOND CONCRETE MOMENT, ideally quiet rather than grand]. ____________________
[THE LINE THAT NAMES WHAT THOSE MOMENTS ADD UP TO.] And that, from where I have stood, is [NAME] entirely.
Section 3 — Generosity to the whole family (about 55 words)
Hand the credit outward. Thank the people who did the raising, including the biological parents, warmly and by role. Keep it simple and sincere, and never let it become a comparison.
Generosity — fill in
About 55 words · 25 seconds
I did not put any of that there. It was in them long before I arrived, placed there by [THE PEOPLE WHO RAISED THEM — name them by role, warmly]. ____________________
All I have done is stand close enough to feel the warmth of it, and count myself fortunate.
Section 4 — Turn to the couple (about 65 words)
Speak to the person they are marrying, directly and by name. Give one thing you have noticed about them, or about the two of them together. This is the section the other side of the family listens hardest for.
The couple — fill in
About 65 words · 30 seconds
[PARTNER'S NAME], [THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICED ABOUT THEM, OR ABOUT THE TWO OF THEM]. ____________________
[HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL, KEPT SIMPLE.] ____________________
Section 5 — The close and toast (about 45 words)
End on gratitude for being let in, said slowly and without a joke. Then raise the glass to the couple by name, and stop. Do not add anything after the names.
Close and toast — fill in
About 45 words · 20 seconds
[NAME], thank you for [THE THING YOU ARE MOST GRATEFUL FOR — the space at the table, being let in]. ____________________
Everyone, please raise your glasses. To [NAME] and [PARTNER'S NAME].
After you have filled it in
- Read it out loud with a timer, standing up. Aim for two to three minutes.
- Delete anything that reaches back to a childhood you were not part of, and anything that could read as a comparison with a biological parent.
- Check that Section 3 thanks the people who did the raising. It is the line that puts the whole room at ease.
- Cut the phrase "real dad" or "real mum" entirely, in any form. There are warmer ways to say everything it tries to say.
- Print it at 16pt on one side of paper, and read it aloud again on a different day.